{"id":78421,"date":"2025-07-22T08:42:04","date_gmt":"2025-07-22T08:42:04","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/sotnews.agency\/?p=78421"},"modified":"2025-07-22T08:42:04","modified_gmt":"2025-07-22T08:42:04","slug":"the-president-has-logged-on-finally","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/sotnews.agency\/?p=78421","title":{"rendered":"The President has Logged On\u2026 Finally!"},"content":{"rendered":"
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\n \t<\/i> Read Time:<\/span>3 Minute, 19 Second <\/div>\n\n <\/div>
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(A Satirical Scroll from the Republic of Uncommon Sense \u2013 Yaound\u00e9 Province)<\/p>\n

And so it came to pass, brethren, that in the ninety-second year of his earthly journey, His Excellency Paul Biya, the Lord of Longevity, Pharaoh of Cameroon, and Minister of Eternal Rule, did something no soothsayer saw coming\u2026<\/p>\n

He discovered the internet.<\/p>\n

The heavens trembled. Mice clicked. Birds flew north. Twitter (now known as X for reasons nobody understands) received a notification. Cameroon\u2019s longest-serving president had posted a selfie. Or at least, someone in his name did \u2014 probably his great-grandnephew\u2019s roommate\u2019s cousin from the Ministry of Photoshop.<\/p>\n

For a man who took office before WiFi, floppy disks, and even seatbelts became fashionable in Africa, Biya\u2019s digital awakening is nothing short of a Lazarus moment. The prodigal president has returned \u2014 not to the streets of Cameroon, mind you, but to the timeline.<\/p>\n

And what a resurrection!<\/p>\n

### Hashtag and Thou Shall Rule<\/strong><\/p>\n

Gone are the days when President Biya only spoke through dusty decrees or long-winded speeches that could put a sugar-crazed goat to sleep. No. We are now in the Age of Digital Prophecy.<\/p>\n

Each day brings a new post, lovingly extracted from his museum of speeches \u2014 some as old as the Berlin Wall, and others penned before Cameroonians knew \u201cGoogle\u201d wasn\u2019t a witchcraft term.<\/p>\n

A recent post quoted a sermon from the Year 2000 warning against leaders who don\u2019t practise what they preach \u2014 suspiciously posted two days after an ally defected. Subtle shade? Or just presidential dementia playing peek-a-boo?<\/p>\n

### Digital Charm School<\/strong><\/p>\n

But don\u2019t get too excited. Analysts say the president\u2019s digital campaign lacks what the youth call \u201cvibes.\u201d<\/p>\n

For starters, 95% of young Cameroonians use WhatsApp. But on WhatsApp, Biya is quieter than a church mouse at a cat convention. No stickers. No \u201cGood morning\u201d spam. Not even a forwarded message from Auntie Chantal warning about demons in fried rice.<\/p>\n

When he does show up (on Facebook and X), it\u2019s with all the warmth of a tax collector. No replies, no interactions, and if you comment something cheeky, you\u2019ll either be deleted or deported to Ebolowa to count potholes.<\/p>\n

### The Youth Are Not Amused<\/strong><\/p>\n

You see, Cameroon\u2019s young people are not difficult to please. They just want three simple things:<\/p>\n

1. Jobs.<\/p>\n

2. Roads.<\/p>\n

3. A president who doesn\u2019t need daily CPR from the PR department.<\/p>\n

But instead of jobs, they get jingles. Instead of roads, they get reels. And instead of reforms, they get a digital mausoleum of speeches past.<\/p>\n

One citizen lamented: \u201cWe need employment, not engagement. Fix our reality, not your aesthetic.\u201d Another asked: \u201cIs this a campaign or a documentary on ancient relics?\u201d<\/p>\n

But the state media, faithful as ever, praised Biya\u2019s \u201cdigital outreach\u201d as a sign of \u201cyouthful vigor.\u201d We nodded in respect. After all, if tweeting from beyond the political grave isn\u2019t vitality, what is?<\/p>\n

### Insta-gramps and the Eighth Term<\/p>\n

Make no mistake \u2014 this isn\u2019t just a social media makeover. It\u2019s the prologue to Term Number Eight, which, in Biya\u2019s divine numerology, is the political version of forever and ever, Amen.<\/p>\n

But here\u2019s the thing: this time around, he\u2019s not just running against opponents. He\u2019s running against Google, TikTok, satire, and the collective memory of every under-30 Cameroonian who doesn\u2019t remember life without Biya in a suit.<\/p>\n

And so the campaign continues: one hashtag at a time. #ExperienceMatters<\/a> (Because he has all of it) #DigitalBiya<\/a>#CtrlAltBiya2025<\/a>#LoggingInLoggingOnLoggingForever<\/a><\/p>\n

### Final Benediction<\/p>\n

Fellow citizens of Africa and Beyond, should you one day hear the skies open with trumpet blasts and angelic chants, fear not. It\u2019s not the Second Coming. It\u2019s probably Paul Biya discovering Instagram Stories.<\/p>\n

Until then, may your connections be strong, your leaders be younger than Methuselah, and your democracy\u2026 slightly less embalmed.<\/p>\n

Amen and algorithm.<\/p>\n

Jimmy Aglah<\/a>, Chief Satirist, Republic of Uncommon Sense<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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\"TheThe heavens trembled. Mice clicked. Birds flew north. Twitter (now known as X for reasons nobody understands) received a notification. Cameroon\u2019s longest-serving president had posted a selfie. Or at least, someone in his name did \u2014 probably his great-grandnephew’s roommate’s cousin from the Ministry of Photoshop.<\/div>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"rop_custom_images_group":[],"rop_custom_messages_group":[],"rop_publish_now":"initial","rop_publish_now_accounts":{"facebook_2277560469115098_106292521332774":"","twitter_aToxNzczMzI3Njk4OTg4ODUxMjAxOw==_1773327698988851200":""},"rop_publish_now_history":[],"rop_publish_now_status":"pending","_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-78421","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-blog"],"aioseo_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/sotnews.agency\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/78421","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/sotnews.agency\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/sotnews.agency\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sotnews.agency\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sotnews.agency\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=78421"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/sotnews.agency\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/78421\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/sotnews.agency\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=78421"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sotnews.agency\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=78421"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sotnews.agency\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=78421"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}